Beach Notes: 1/22/2020
Random musings.. I think that death often forces the still living to think about mortality and to ponder the vast questions of life. Or at least it does for me. For me, I have so many conflicting messages in my head - some put there by others so seem to have sprung fully formed from my own brain (but maybe they were consciously or subconsciously received from someone at some time).
Time is a struggle for me almost all the time. First of all, time is by its nature a finite resource. There are only 24 hours in a day and we all have an expiration date, though, we usually don't know when that is. So, everything we do or don't do is a choice to some degree. Granted sometimes those choices were made years ago and we are now living in those choices and so we may forget that it was a choice.
Conflict: Making good use of available time vs. the concept "we are human beings not human doings". What if I spend an hour or two watching an inane television show or flipping mindlessly through a social media site or playing some game on my phone or staring into space? I could have, should have, would have spent that time doing something "productive".
On a less esoteric level, for me, the issue is going out to shows vs. staying in and writing or listening to music that has been sent to me or... Never mind the almost nightly conflicts of what show to see out of many wonderful choices. I do better than I used to, but I do often feel some sense of failure or guilt over my choices. Especially, when certain friends' shows seem to always end up getting missed. It almost never a decision based on quality or worth. It can anything to location, time, my level of exhaustion, availability. It is just that sometimes, it feels like the same bands or people keep coming up on the wrong side of any one of those factors.
I remind myself that I am not obligated to do anything or to go anywhere, but the guilt/regret isn't really about obligation. It is about desire and relationships and... what else. I don't know.
Meanwhile, here I sit - into the third full week of 2020, with a ton of e-mails to review, a ton of story ideas to explore and research and write, a ton of music to listen to, an unfinished novel, a ton of great shows every single night, and I limited amount of energy to do anyone of those things - some of which is expended at a day job that demands attention and effort.
So, I can't answer why I went to this show but not that one, or why I went out this night but not that one or why I wrote about this album but not that one. I am not even sure if anyone is asking this questions other than me.
So, I DID go to The 5 Spot last night and spend somewhere around six hours hearing a ton of truly great music, catching up with some wonderful people, sharing bits of grief and stories about David Olney, laughing, talking, thinking... As for tonight, I don't know. There are things I want to do...
Meanwhile, I am not going to Folk Alliance - even though it was something I considered when the date and location were first announced. I would love to be there, AND I can't imagine my stress at all the things to be done if I were going. And, I am envious of people who can drop everything and go on a whim. But, those choices were made for me in the past, and for today, I don't know how to change them or even if I want to.
Beyond the doing and the choosing and the thinking and the guilt and the productivity and the idleness and the laziness and the need for escapism and the art and the commerce is the living. I am alive and I have work to do and I have rest that is needed and I have relationships to forge and others to cultivate, and I have only so much time and I waste so much time.
Welcome to my life on earth and as human.
